Friday, March 28, 2008

I Have No Idea.

An old friend on campus bumped into me on the steps of
the University Center yesterday.
She asked what I was doing next year,
i.e. post graduation...
With not a hint of disdain or sarcasm,
I honestly answered,
"I have no idea."

She replied, fair enough and laughed.
I, however, have now admitted a truth.
I have no idea what I'm doing after graduation.
More importantly about this conversation,
I have now found an answer that relieves me
of all duty towards others.
All I have to say, is the truth.

Well...the rounded truth.
The truth is I'm worried beyond belief.
I'm planning on retaking the o-chems and the MCAT,
and maybe getting some abroad experience.
It all depends on if the cards fall into place.
Which as of yet, nothing seems to work.
I can't even find work in Tampa.

Now I'm getting bitter.
My blood pressure is going up,
and all control over rationale is slowly slipping away from me.
I feel like a failure.
I am lost and nervous.
Wondering if my expensive degree (approx. 160k)
was worth it.
Thinking what more I could have done.
At the time I always felt I was putting my best effort forward,
Was I?

Is this my fault?
Ofcourse it is,
you have to take responsibility for your own destiny.
But if I accept that,
then maybe I was never good enough.
Does that invalidate going to an expensive school?
Does it free me of the great expectations laid forth,
that are now pushing at my cranium from outside and within?

While this rant has taken a slightly dark tone,
I'm ok.
Ultimately I'm always ok.
Life goes on,
and I will fit somewhere.

Interesting choice of words for an overweight girl.
Hasn't "fitting in" at school, into jeans, with peers, at the bar, on the roller coaster, in the airplane seat...
been the great drama of my life?

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