From Here On Known as Soco.

I was asked again by an old friend what my post-gradutation plans were.
Embarassingly, I again had to say I have no idea.
He is going to UVA,
on a full ride,
for his Master's in Roman Art.
I am so happy for him.
I am so disappointed in myself.
I feel so directionless,
and lost and I don't know what to do anymore.
I came up with a plan,
but I don't have confidence in myself to pull it all off.
How utterly frustrating!



Aside from my real life woes,
I had a nice, distracting weekend.
Friday we had a Hullabaloo Fair.
There was a hot dog eating contest.
Eight guys participated.
Winner at 9 hotdogs in 4 minutes.
Gross.
But...it was highly entertaining.

Cecilia turned 19 this weekend.
So we bought a bottle of Southern Comfort,
from here out known as Soco.
Had about 5 Soco and Lime shots,
played some Uno,
and then went out to Brunos.

New Bruno's first.
Some dart, Chris won.
Then Old Bruno's.
After a Corona and 2 Margaritas,
we were properly lit.
Played some pool,
took goofy pictures.
Damnit, I am breaking out like crazy!
I need my body to chill out.

As though that is possible these days.
Between worrying about post-graduation life,
unsuccessfully following weight watchers,
and the mountain of school work I have this semester,
my body doesn't know the meaning of relaxation anymore.

I am reading Eat Pray Love
by Elizabeth Gilbert currently.
It is amazing.
In it she writes about meditation in the ashram in India.
I need to try meditation.
I need time to clear my head.
Which is why, almost not having a plan post-graduation,
may be my saving grace.
I'm trying to spin this...
let me be as delusional I a want!



Ok...well what is not a delusion is the first draft of my 20 page paper due manana!
Time to focus...it's carnival time.
Well my paper is on the spectacle known as Mardi Gras,
too bad analyzing it destroys all happiness surrounding the event.
Once you realize the racist undertones,
and what a celebration of the elite it is,
it's a bit of a buzz kill.

I Have No Idea.

An old friend on campus bumped into me on the steps of
the University Center yesterday.
She asked what I was doing next year,
i.e. post graduation...
With not a hint of disdain or sarcasm,
I honestly answered,
"I have no idea."

She replied, fair enough and laughed.
I, however, have now admitted a truth.
I have no idea what I'm doing after graduation.
More importantly about this conversation,
I have now found an answer that relieves me
of all duty towards others.
All I have to say, is the truth.

Well...the rounded truth.
The truth is I'm worried beyond belief.
I'm planning on retaking the o-chems and the MCAT,
and maybe getting some abroad experience.
It all depends on if the cards fall into place.
Which as of yet, nothing seems to work.
I can't even find work in Tampa.

Now I'm getting bitter.
My blood pressure is going up,
and all control over rationale is slowly slipping away from me.
I feel like a failure.
I am lost and nervous.
Wondering if my expensive degree (approx. 160k)
was worth it.
Thinking what more I could have done.
At the time I always felt I was putting my best effort forward,
Was I?

Is this my fault?
Ofcourse it is,
you have to take responsibility for your own destiny.
But if I accept that,
then maybe I was never good enough.
Does that invalidate going to an expensive school?
Does it free me of the great expectations laid forth,
that are now pushing at my cranium from outside and within?

While this rant has taken a slightly dark tone,
I'm ok.
Ultimately I'm always ok.
Life goes on,
and I will fit somewhere.

Interesting choice of words for an overweight girl.
Hasn't "fitting in" at school, into jeans, with peers, at the bar, on the roller coaster, in the airplane seat...
been the great drama of my life?

Oh the Cultural Offerings of Lutz.

Went to The Rack down in south Tampa.
Got way lost on the way there.
Mapquest should really be shut down already.
Had two Bud Lights, sushi and nachos.
Sushi was great.
Nachos sort of sucked.
LSU beat OSU.
Geaux Tigers.

Met two boys from Lutz while I was there.
Country accent.
Hicks all the way.
Sweet enough, just a little naive and dumb.
One was a soldier back from Iraq.
I think he goes back soon.
I felt bad for blowing them off.
In truth, stupid men just don't work for me.
You can be country and not stupid.
You don't have to know about fine things
or have a large vocabulary to hang with me.
You do however need common sense.
Something I know and in my desire to be nice often let people slip with.
No more.
I need to do what is correct for me.
It scared me.
I would have given one of those boys my number if they had asked.
What would we even have spoken about?

This is a random picture of a cadet online.
I guess it makes me question who we are sending over there.
Who are we making our official representatives?
I question this kids judgement.
I don't question his commitment and sincere beliefs,
but we are sending kids out there.
America doesn't know how to be an adult.

I didn't get into Teach for America.
I don't understand.
I thought I had a good interview.
I really feel passionate.
I thought my presentation was well done.
I'm not sure what else it could have been aside from my grades.
I'm really upset and disappointed by this.
I feel kind of heartbroken.
I didn't get into my plan B.

Aside from that bad news,
which has been bothering me for some time now,
the night was good.

It was great catching up with Vicki.
Her friend Julie was nice.
She travels all around the country
setting up computer systems in hotels.
I really need to find a life plan.
I have no idea what I'm going to do for myself.
What is going to happen if I don't get into med school?
I hate this uncertainty.
I have spent $160,000 on my education,
and I am unhirable.

You can't do anything with a science degree.
F* * *
I have no idea what I'm going to do.
F* * *

Sorry, depression setting in.
I thought for sure I'd get in to Teach for America.
It was my back up plan!

Moving on I guess.
I don't want to tell my mother.