From Here On Known as Soco.

I was asked again by an old friend what my post-gradutation plans were.
Embarassingly, I again had to say I have no idea.
He is going to UVA,
on a full ride,
for his Master's in Roman Art.
I am so happy for him.
I am so disappointed in myself.
I feel so directionless,
and lost and I don't know what to do anymore.
I came up with a plan,
but I don't have confidence in myself to pull it all off.
How utterly frustrating!



Aside from my real life woes,
I had a nice, distracting weekend.
Friday we had a Hullabaloo Fair.
There was a hot dog eating contest.
Eight guys participated.
Winner at 9 hotdogs in 4 minutes.
Gross.
But...it was highly entertaining.

Cecilia turned 19 this weekend.
So we bought a bottle of Southern Comfort,
from here out known as Soco.
Had about 5 Soco and Lime shots,
played some Uno,
and then went out to Brunos.

New Bruno's first.
Some dart, Chris won.
Then Old Bruno's.
After a Corona and 2 Margaritas,
we were properly lit.
Played some pool,
took goofy pictures.
Damnit, I am breaking out like crazy!
I need my body to chill out.

As though that is possible these days.
Between worrying about post-graduation life,
unsuccessfully following weight watchers,
and the mountain of school work I have this semester,
my body doesn't know the meaning of relaxation anymore.

I am reading Eat Pray Love
by Elizabeth Gilbert currently.
It is amazing.
In it she writes about meditation in the ashram in India.
I need to try meditation.
I need time to clear my head.
Which is why, almost not having a plan post-graduation,
may be my saving grace.
I'm trying to spin this...
let me be as delusional I a want!



Ok...well what is not a delusion is the first draft of my 20 page paper due manana!
Time to focus...it's carnival time.
Well my paper is on the spectacle known as Mardi Gras,
too bad analyzing it destroys all happiness surrounding the event.
Once you realize the racist undertones,
and what a celebration of the elite it is,
it's a bit of a buzz kill.

I Have No Idea.

An old friend on campus bumped into me on the steps of
the University Center yesterday.
She asked what I was doing next year,
i.e. post graduation...
With not a hint of disdain or sarcasm,
I honestly answered,
"I have no idea."

She replied, fair enough and laughed.
I, however, have now admitted a truth.
I have no idea what I'm doing after graduation.
More importantly about this conversation,
I have now found an answer that relieves me
of all duty towards others.
All I have to say, is the truth.

Well...the rounded truth.
The truth is I'm worried beyond belief.
I'm planning on retaking the o-chems and the MCAT,
and maybe getting some abroad experience.
It all depends on if the cards fall into place.
Which as of yet, nothing seems to work.
I can't even find work in Tampa.

Now I'm getting bitter.
My blood pressure is going up,
and all control over rationale is slowly slipping away from me.
I feel like a failure.
I am lost and nervous.
Wondering if my expensive degree (approx. 160k)
was worth it.
Thinking what more I could have done.
At the time I always felt I was putting my best effort forward,
Was I?

Is this my fault?
Ofcourse it is,
you have to take responsibility for your own destiny.
But if I accept that,
then maybe I was never good enough.
Does that invalidate going to an expensive school?
Does it free me of the great expectations laid forth,
that are now pushing at my cranium from outside and within?

While this rant has taken a slightly dark tone,
I'm ok.
Ultimately I'm always ok.
Life goes on,
and I will fit somewhere.

Interesting choice of words for an overweight girl.
Hasn't "fitting in" at school, into jeans, with peers, at the bar, on the roller coaster, in the airplane seat...
been the great drama of my life?

Who knew?

Who knew Mexico had such a strong emo following?
People are so angry they have formed riots to "hunt" the emos down.
Now these are people who know how to take care of business.
I'm not sure that's the most important business, but it is easily taken care of atleast.


Graduation in less than two months.
I don't know what I'm doing with myself.
So med school was a bust.
I haven't heard from school schools, but I'm not holding my breath.
This sucks.
Back to Tampa I go.
I have no idea what to do.

Maybe I'll go to Mexico City.
It looks so interesting, and it's supposed to be a megatropolis.
8.7 million plus residents or something like that.
Though I hear the smog is really bad.
But it is an ancient city.
I forget if it is a valley or a plateau...I'm thinking valley.
Anyway, some lovely pictures...






and some intersting mexican art too...